While searching for my beginning place I was struck by a familiar theme. Most of our lives involve a high amount of interaction with the world at large. It appears that most of us fail to realize that what we think we have communicated to another person or what we have understood from another can be very different than its intended meaning. Confused yet?
I would wager 99% of all arguments between people who really love each other is misunderstanding either what they meant to say or saying something in a way that was misunderstood. Believe it or not, choice is the answer to the entire conflict.
Contrary to what your mother taught you, honesty is not always the best policy. Well, more specifically, brutal honesty. You must have an idea of what your intended outcome is and filter your translation with that in mind. Filters are the buffers for truth that must be considered to suit the audience your attempting to communicate with. Using words like a bully will never bring understanding. The truth does hurt, this is why its important to be somewhat gentle. You can't ram spoon after spoon of ice cream down your throat without a terrible brain freeze no matter how much you love it. The same goes with words. They carry weight and can hurt every bit as much as being physically hit. And no matter how many apologies are given they can't be unspoken. They might be forgiven but probably never forgotten. They leave psychological scars.
Spoken words can be judged by inflection and facial expression. There are multiple forms of translation going on. How many times have you asked someone if things are alright just by the look you are picking up on their face? When they say " Everything is fine." you continue to feel concern because they are sending nonverbal signals that tell you otherwise. Everything usually turns out not to be fine. They are using a filter to protect themselves from what ever emotion is lurking just below the surface of self control. Actually, the best thing I can do is talk about it. Ignoring my issue only lends to much longer stretches of the negative cycle. It never magically goes away, but it does pass much quicker than if I wallow in it alone. Just a side note on WALLOWING: the mental conversations where you belabor the issue and do all the "what I should have said" is what I mean. Those can take you straight to the bottomless pit of depression. And they don't make the problem better, in fact it only stokes the fire that keeps you at the highest negative place. This is the point at which the choice is made. Keep feeling like crap indefinitely, or change my emotion and find something better to think about. The choice is to change your thought. You can't change the past, it is done, change the now. What your thinking now is what creates the emotion your having now. Yes I mean THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS.
Written communication has far less help with real meaning leaving it to the reader for interpretation. Yes, individual interpretation is the wonderful part, I agree. It is not wonderful if you have conveyed something completely the opposite of your intention. What I failed to understand was my view is not the same as everyone else. I am the main character in my mellow drama called life. Everyone else is the main character in theirs. So none of my information is concrete unless I'm the one writing it. Hence, the blog.
Written or spoken thoughts are being translated for understanding. The broader the brush stroke brings a greater risk of misunderstanding. This does lend one the advantage of wiggle room, otherwise known as loopholes. The use of such tactics is very disingenuous. When communicating, slight of hand is a mockery of the entire process. Contracts and legal documents are formulated in this manner to give opportunities to changing circumstances. Poets and novelists use it in plots to pull you into the story. Conveying meaning to another person is not part of this. Misdirection will lead to disconnection. Don't try to blame your audience for misunderstanding you, its your responsibility to communicate clearly. Learn how to do it by listening to their reaction then mirror back what you think was said and why they have said it. FEEDBACK is the most important thing when communicating. The conversation does not end once you have "put it out there". You have to leave room for the response. And listen to it for any sign that a correction for better understanding needs to be made. Communication goes both ways, otherwise your just yelling from a soapbox at the same time everyone else is and nothing gets heard.
Listening is one of the hardest things to do EVER... We all are picking key topics and responses before the conversation even gets going, especially in an argument. Now words are weapons and we are either attacking or defending. Shields are up swords are at the ready. To listen without strategizing your comeback is almost impossible. When we are attacking filters are off, people are hurt and words are turned loose like dogs of war to savagely maim each other until one gives up or leaves. One rule of thumb for me (I learned this in my late 30's) is; never draw your sword on a loved one. Anger will fade, wait until you can speak to them without anger, walk away until you can properly approach them with a solution in mind. You can not win a war if you don't know what ground your fighting for. Yelling at someone, to my knowledge, has never brought them to understanding, they usually just yell back. Then you have two angry people who don't know what to do about it. More often than not more hurtful things have been said than what the original problem began with. Now there is more damage to repair.
Choose the appropriate filter, listen to the response, choose your reaction and filter it correctly. Any confusion can be overcome, after all it is only a lack of understanding in the first place. You can make it harder by believing its not your responsibility. It's your choice.
Royal TX
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