In my previous blog, "Fake it till you make it" I spoke of changing your feelings by changing your thoughts. You really are what you think. Words are things, they come from your vocal cords and vibrations are transmitted through your body when spoken. Understanding the idea that you are what you think is the key. When you think, the words are still there as well as the thought vibration, they just are not audible to anyone but you. If you don't believe me then try this. Think of the person you love dearly, close your eyes and think the words "I LOVE YOU". Can you hear your inner voice?
Inner chatter goes on whether you realize it or not. Thats the problem. If your not paying attention it can run wild with negative thoughts that you don't even remember. How many times have you looked at yourself in the mirror and gone strait to what you didn't like in the reflection. We are very critical of our selves without realizing the damage it causes. Some of the things I have mentally pointed out to myself I would never say to anyone else, let alone want anyone to say about me. This most often goes unchecked and forgotten. The problem is your conscious mind forgot but your subconscious has the memory of an Elephant. IT NEVER FORGETS. Think of how many times you have been fast asleep and woke up suddenly with the answer to a problem or remembered something you forgot to do at work.
The way to change your circumstances is to change your thoughts. All you have to do is think of anything that you are grateful for. You only have to be positive 51% of the time to tip the scale and shift the energy. Spend your time thinking of everything in your life that you are thankful is part of your experience. Even the things that you don't like as silly as that sounds. The best thing that you can do is to be grateful for the job you have even if its not the job you want. What will happen is the vibrations you send out will bring about the circumstances that cause you to be truly grateful. Try it.
It costs nothing and the worst that can happen to you is your day will be more pleasant. The most amazing thing is you don't have to believe it will work for it to work. It is a fact, like attracts like.
The ideas in this blog come from my on going experiment with finding and developing information to make my life more positive. Anything that I write about I have actually done. These are not new ideas, I am just giving you the information that was most effective in my life and hoping that I translate it well enough to help you do the same. I am especially grateful you are reading it.
Carla Stover
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Forgivness... It is a far better thing to give than to receive.
Where to begin on forgiveness... Well the reasons to forgive would be the best place. To forgive is truly a gift. Not to the person you are forgiving. The gift is to yourself. You can put down all the anger or hurt and leave it. Walk away less weighted down by all the work it takes to carry the memory of the pain, what ever it may be. It is better to forgive than to be forgiven because being forgiven does not stop your remorse for the transgression that has caused you to be in need of forgiveness. This means guilt. You are feeling guilty and need forgiveness to be released.
Truthfully, most of us are in need of self forgiveness. We are harder on our selves than we are on others. That is saying a lot, because there are a ton of people who are just waiting for a reason to be angry at what ever they can imagine as a slight by someone to have a new campaign of "odd man out". (sort of the flavor of the month club for habitually pissed off people) Forgiving others for things that annoy you is not as easy as it seems. Also you have to ask yourself about what they did made you upset in the first place. Did they threaten your ego? Did it embarrass you in some way? If you felt embarrassed or ashamed, why? Is it really about what they said or what you thought when they said it? Sometimes we make up our own dialog in our head and it is not at all in line with what actually happened. Did you jump to another realm of reality without inviting everyone else? Things happen, people make mistakes. It goes both ways, people misunderstand and are misunderstood.
Assume positive intent. If your in doubt about what someone meant by a backhanded remark that leaves you feeling slighted. Assume that was a mistake and not what they intended. If you have no issue there is no issue. (Yes, don't start no mess, won't be no mess.) I am still working on this topic and admittedly have not gotten close to mastering my own ego. But I do aspire to one day be immune to the little voice goading me on. Oddly enough, it sounds like my mothers, she was a champion at taking offense. After all, she was Irish.
Another noteworthy thing I would like to pass on about getting forgiveness. If you have a confession that has been brewing and on the verge of bursting, a word of caution. There are a few questions that need to be answered before you tell the person you believe has been wronged. Is the information you are about to divulge going to help them in the here and now? Do they need this information to make a life or death decision? OR Are you just being completely selfish to your own need to release the guilt you have been carrying and want somewhere to dump your shame? If you are about to confess a transgression to someone, is it going to help or send them into a frenzy of pain and anguish that you can not undo? Think about your motive before you divulge. By all means confess if your ready to bare the brunt. Sometimes the person is no longer around. The best way to release yourself without the other person being involved is to write a letter to them. Don't mail it, just write it. You can burn it, shred it or dig a hole and bury it. Its up to you. Ultimately you have to forgive yourself no matter the case. Once you do that it won't matter what anyone else thinks, you'll be free of judgment.
Forgiving others, now there's a sticky wicket. Forgiving someone takes a little time. It seems there is some pomp and circumstance to it. We can't jump the gun and forgive too fast or the person is liable to feel like there was no consequence to the initial wrong doing. So we stew a while just for good measure. Some of us can make a career out of brooding so it's a little tricky to get their forgiveness. Please understand this, the person getting hurt the most by being angry is the person who IS angry. Being mad AT someone does nothing to actually hurt them especially if they are not in your presence. As said by Buddha, "Anger is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die." Forgive them and move on. Bless them and release them for they know not what they have done. Release yourself, you do not have to teach them a lesson. Leave that to life. The universe has a way of working its magic that far surpasses our mortal ability. Your not in charge. It's okay, really. What a load off your shoulders, right?
The best thing you can do is put down the baggage. How can you expect to grab on to anything more in life if your hands are full of all the old garbage from years past? Make space for new exciting adventure. Just know there is more to life... Out with the old, in with the new!
Royal TX
Truthfully, most of us are in need of self forgiveness. We are harder on our selves than we are on others. That is saying a lot, because there are a ton of people who are just waiting for a reason to be angry at what ever they can imagine as a slight by someone to have a new campaign of "odd man out". (sort of the flavor of the month club for habitually pissed off people) Forgiving others for things that annoy you is not as easy as it seems. Also you have to ask yourself about what they did made you upset in the first place. Did they threaten your ego? Did it embarrass you in some way? If you felt embarrassed or ashamed, why? Is it really about what they said or what you thought when they said it? Sometimes we make up our own dialog in our head and it is not at all in line with what actually happened. Did you jump to another realm of reality without inviting everyone else? Things happen, people make mistakes. It goes both ways, people misunderstand and are misunderstood.
Assume positive intent. If your in doubt about what someone meant by a backhanded remark that leaves you feeling slighted. Assume that was a mistake and not what they intended. If you have no issue there is no issue. (Yes, don't start no mess, won't be no mess.) I am still working on this topic and admittedly have not gotten close to mastering my own ego. But I do aspire to one day be immune to the little voice goading me on. Oddly enough, it sounds like my mothers, she was a champion at taking offense. After all, she was Irish.
Another noteworthy thing I would like to pass on about getting forgiveness. If you have a confession that has been brewing and on the verge of bursting, a word of caution. There are a few questions that need to be answered before you tell the person you believe has been wronged. Is the information you are about to divulge going to help them in the here and now? Do they need this information to make a life or death decision? OR Are you just being completely selfish to your own need to release the guilt you have been carrying and want somewhere to dump your shame? If you are about to confess a transgression to someone, is it going to help or send them into a frenzy of pain and anguish that you can not undo? Think about your motive before you divulge. By all means confess if your ready to bare the brunt. Sometimes the person is no longer around. The best way to release yourself without the other person being involved is to write a letter to them. Don't mail it, just write it. You can burn it, shred it or dig a hole and bury it. Its up to you. Ultimately you have to forgive yourself no matter the case. Once you do that it won't matter what anyone else thinks, you'll be free of judgment.
Forgiving others, now there's a sticky wicket. Forgiving someone takes a little time. It seems there is some pomp and circumstance to it. We can't jump the gun and forgive too fast or the person is liable to feel like there was no consequence to the initial wrong doing. So we stew a while just for good measure. Some of us can make a career out of brooding so it's a little tricky to get their forgiveness. Please understand this, the person getting hurt the most by being angry is the person who IS angry. Being mad AT someone does nothing to actually hurt them especially if they are not in your presence. As said by Buddha, "Anger is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die." Forgive them and move on. Bless them and release them for they know not what they have done. Release yourself, you do not have to teach them a lesson. Leave that to life. The universe has a way of working its magic that far surpasses our mortal ability. Your not in charge. It's okay, really. What a load off your shoulders, right?
The best thing you can do is put down the baggage. How can you expect to grab on to anything more in life if your hands are full of all the old garbage from years past? Make space for new exciting adventure. Just know there is more to life... Out with the old, in with the new!
Royal TX
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Happiness... FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!!!
As most of us know from life experience, happiness does not grow on trees. It has to be conjured up on most days. The first time I heard, "Fake it till you make it." was from a dear friend who was a member of AA. I broke out in laughter and disbelief. But, it turns out, he was indeed giving me a life tip that has served me more times than I can count.
Waking up is where this one starts. Intend it. Realizing that you have to reach into your soul for those precious memories is sometimes not possible. So fake it. Think about the most wonderful news you could possibly receive and pretend it has happened. (I am fully aware some of you are mocking me right now, its OK, I thought it was BS myself.) This also ties into the law of attraction as well as the power of positive thinking. Think about having the most wonderful house or car. What you would feel like being the perfect body size. How it would feel having the perfect job for you. Being with an amazing spouse or partner. Don't worry if your already in a relationship, just picture that person being a wonderful partner. Imagination is like a magnet. Think of your favorite things, hot coffee, cool weather, being on vacation on a sunny beach, you get the drift. Be thankful for receiving what you are imagining. Just think of the thing that brings you joy in your heart and be thankful for already having it.
Consider meditation. Centering and focusing on peacefulness and joy. Smile with every cell in your body as you sit in a quiet space. All you need is ten minutes although I enjoy at least half an hour if not more. If your more hands on then make a vision board. This only requires a smooth flat surface like poster board, foam board or a picture frame from an old wall hanging and old magazines. Cut and paste a collage of all the things you would like to bring into your life. Warning: Make sure everything in the visual is what your calling for. Do not include a baby in a stroller sitting next to the park bench if that is not your wish. I know it sounds silly but this is a request your sending out, make it count. I've heard stories on how powerful this is. Don't ask for the guy in the Marlboro Man add if your not a smoker. Just saying.
Alright, so all that stuff is not for you, keep it simple. Start with a smile. If you can think of the funniest thing you can recall, that will work. If all else fails just smile. Give it time, breathe, keep smiling, breathe some more. You are what you believe, you just have to remember being sad or angry or unhappy is a habit just like being happy. The difference is being negative makes you feel like crap. Sure it might really be the pits where you are right now. Is feeling bad helping?
Just a footnote for those who believe they are beyond all happiness and all is lost so why bother. My mother was diagnosed with cancer and given two weeks to live. We made an agreement that instead of living those last few weeks in full on devastation, we would speak as though she were being taken on a wonderful vacation. So we talked about all the sights she would see and how wonderful it would be. She even said she would be waiting for me and would make sure I had a seat. Of course there were tears and reality of death never left. But she was happy right up to the end. She spent her last days on earth happy. Being sad would not stop her death. Being happy helped her pass over much easier. We faked it together.
Royal TX
Waking up is where this one starts. Intend it. Realizing that you have to reach into your soul for those precious memories is sometimes not possible. So fake it. Think about the most wonderful news you could possibly receive and pretend it has happened. (I am fully aware some of you are mocking me right now, its OK, I thought it was BS myself.) This also ties into the law of attraction as well as the power of positive thinking. Think about having the most wonderful house or car. What you would feel like being the perfect body size. How it would feel having the perfect job for you. Being with an amazing spouse or partner. Don't worry if your already in a relationship, just picture that person being a wonderful partner. Imagination is like a magnet. Think of your favorite things, hot coffee, cool weather, being on vacation on a sunny beach, you get the drift. Be thankful for receiving what you are imagining. Just think of the thing that brings you joy in your heart and be thankful for already having it.
Consider meditation. Centering and focusing on peacefulness and joy. Smile with every cell in your body as you sit in a quiet space. All you need is ten minutes although I enjoy at least half an hour if not more. If your more hands on then make a vision board. This only requires a smooth flat surface like poster board, foam board or a picture frame from an old wall hanging and old magazines. Cut and paste a collage of all the things you would like to bring into your life. Warning: Make sure everything in the visual is what your calling for. Do not include a baby in a stroller sitting next to the park bench if that is not your wish. I know it sounds silly but this is a request your sending out, make it count. I've heard stories on how powerful this is. Don't ask for the guy in the Marlboro Man add if your not a smoker. Just saying.
Alright, so all that stuff is not for you, keep it simple. Start with a smile. If you can think of the funniest thing you can recall, that will work. If all else fails just smile. Give it time, breathe, keep smiling, breathe some more. You are what you believe, you just have to remember being sad or angry or unhappy is a habit just like being happy. The difference is being negative makes you feel like crap. Sure it might really be the pits where you are right now. Is feeling bad helping?
Just a footnote for those who believe they are beyond all happiness and all is lost so why bother. My mother was diagnosed with cancer and given two weeks to live. We made an agreement that instead of living those last few weeks in full on devastation, we would speak as though she were being taken on a wonderful vacation. So we talked about all the sights she would see and how wonderful it would be. She even said she would be waiting for me and would make sure I had a seat. Of course there were tears and reality of death never left. But she was happy right up to the end. She spent her last days on earth happy. Being sad would not stop her death. Being happy helped her pass over much easier. We faked it together.
Royal TX
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Communication 101
While searching for my beginning place I was struck by a familiar theme. Most of our lives involve a high amount of interaction with the world at large. It appears that most of us fail to realize that what we think we have communicated to another person or what we have understood from another can be very different than its intended meaning. Confused yet?
I would wager 99% of all arguments between people who really love each other is misunderstanding either what they meant to say or saying something in a way that was misunderstood. Believe it or not, choice is the answer to the entire conflict.
Contrary to what your mother taught you, honesty is not always the best policy. Well, more specifically, brutal honesty. You must have an idea of what your intended outcome is and filter your translation with that in mind. Filters are the buffers for truth that must be considered to suit the audience your attempting to communicate with. Using words like a bully will never bring understanding. The truth does hurt, this is why its important to be somewhat gentle. You can't ram spoon after spoon of ice cream down your throat without a terrible brain freeze no matter how much you love it. The same goes with words. They carry weight and can hurt every bit as much as being physically hit. And no matter how many apologies are given they can't be unspoken. They might be forgiven but probably never forgotten. They leave psychological scars.
Spoken words can be judged by inflection and facial expression. There are multiple forms of translation going on. How many times have you asked someone if things are alright just by the look you are picking up on their face? When they say " Everything is fine." you continue to feel concern because they are sending nonverbal signals that tell you otherwise. Everything usually turns out not to be fine. They are using a filter to protect themselves from what ever emotion is lurking just below the surface of self control. Actually, the best thing I can do is talk about it. Ignoring my issue only lends to much longer stretches of the negative cycle. It never magically goes away, but it does pass much quicker than if I wallow in it alone. Just a side note on WALLOWING: the mental conversations where you belabor the issue and do all the "what I should have said" is what I mean. Those can take you straight to the bottomless pit of depression. And they don't make the problem better, in fact it only stokes the fire that keeps you at the highest negative place. This is the point at which the choice is made. Keep feeling like crap indefinitely, or change my emotion and find something better to think about. The choice is to change your thought. You can't change the past, it is done, change the now. What your thinking now is what creates the emotion your having now. Yes I mean THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS.
Written communication has far less help with real meaning leaving it to the reader for interpretation. Yes, individual interpretation is the wonderful part, I agree. It is not wonderful if you have conveyed something completely the opposite of your intention. What I failed to understand was my view is not the same as everyone else. I am the main character in my mellow drama called life. Everyone else is the main character in theirs. So none of my information is concrete unless I'm the one writing it. Hence, the blog.
Written or spoken thoughts are being translated for understanding. The broader the brush stroke brings a greater risk of misunderstanding. This does lend one the advantage of wiggle room, otherwise known as loopholes. The use of such tactics is very disingenuous. When communicating, slight of hand is a mockery of the entire process. Contracts and legal documents are formulated in this manner to give opportunities to changing circumstances. Poets and novelists use it in plots to pull you into the story. Conveying meaning to another person is not part of this. Misdirection will lead to disconnection. Don't try to blame your audience for misunderstanding you, its your responsibility to communicate clearly. Learn how to do it by listening to their reaction then mirror back what you think was said and why they have said it. FEEDBACK is the most important thing when communicating. The conversation does not end once you have "put it out there". You have to leave room for the response. And listen to it for any sign that a correction for better understanding needs to be made. Communication goes both ways, otherwise your just yelling from a soapbox at the same time everyone else is and nothing gets heard.
Listening is one of the hardest things to do EVER... We all are picking key topics and responses before the conversation even gets going, especially in an argument. Now words are weapons and we are either attacking or defending. Shields are up swords are at the ready. To listen without strategizing your comeback is almost impossible. When we are attacking filters are off, people are hurt and words are turned loose like dogs of war to savagely maim each other until one gives up or leaves. One rule of thumb for me (I learned this in my late 30's) is; never draw your sword on a loved one. Anger will fade, wait until you can speak to them without anger, walk away until you can properly approach them with a solution in mind. You can not win a war if you don't know what ground your fighting for. Yelling at someone, to my knowledge, has never brought them to understanding, they usually just yell back. Then you have two angry people who don't know what to do about it. More often than not more hurtful things have been said than what the original problem began with. Now there is more damage to repair.
Choose the appropriate filter, listen to the response, choose your reaction and filter it correctly. Any confusion can be overcome, after all it is only a lack of understanding in the first place. You can make it harder by believing its not your responsibility. It's your choice.
Royal TX
I would wager 99% of all arguments between people who really love each other is misunderstanding either what they meant to say or saying something in a way that was misunderstood. Believe it or not, choice is the answer to the entire conflict.
Contrary to what your mother taught you, honesty is not always the best policy. Well, more specifically, brutal honesty. You must have an idea of what your intended outcome is and filter your translation with that in mind. Filters are the buffers for truth that must be considered to suit the audience your attempting to communicate with. Using words like a bully will never bring understanding. The truth does hurt, this is why its important to be somewhat gentle. You can't ram spoon after spoon of ice cream down your throat without a terrible brain freeze no matter how much you love it. The same goes with words. They carry weight and can hurt every bit as much as being physically hit. And no matter how many apologies are given they can't be unspoken. They might be forgiven but probably never forgotten. They leave psychological scars.
Spoken words can be judged by inflection and facial expression. There are multiple forms of translation going on. How many times have you asked someone if things are alright just by the look you are picking up on their face? When they say " Everything is fine." you continue to feel concern because they are sending nonverbal signals that tell you otherwise. Everything usually turns out not to be fine. They are using a filter to protect themselves from what ever emotion is lurking just below the surface of self control. Actually, the best thing I can do is talk about it. Ignoring my issue only lends to much longer stretches of the negative cycle. It never magically goes away, but it does pass much quicker than if I wallow in it alone. Just a side note on WALLOWING: the mental conversations where you belabor the issue and do all the "what I should have said" is what I mean. Those can take you straight to the bottomless pit of depression. And they don't make the problem better, in fact it only stokes the fire that keeps you at the highest negative place. This is the point at which the choice is made. Keep feeling like crap indefinitely, or change my emotion and find something better to think about. The choice is to change your thought. You can't change the past, it is done, change the now. What your thinking now is what creates the emotion your having now. Yes I mean THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS.
Written communication has far less help with real meaning leaving it to the reader for interpretation. Yes, individual interpretation is the wonderful part, I agree. It is not wonderful if you have conveyed something completely the opposite of your intention. What I failed to understand was my view is not the same as everyone else. I am the main character in my mellow drama called life. Everyone else is the main character in theirs. So none of my information is concrete unless I'm the one writing it. Hence, the blog.
Written or spoken thoughts are being translated for understanding. The broader the brush stroke brings a greater risk of misunderstanding. This does lend one the advantage of wiggle room, otherwise known as loopholes. The use of such tactics is very disingenuous. When communicating, slight of hand is a mockery of the entire process. Contracts and legal documents are formulated in this manner to give opportunities to changing circumstances. Poets and novelists use it in plots to pull you into the story. Conveying meaning to another person is not part of this. Misdirection will lead to disconnection. Don't try to blame your audience for misunderstanding you, its your responsibility to communicate clearly. Learn how to do it by listening to their reaction then mirror back what you think was said and why they have said it. FEEDBACK is the most important thing when communicating. The conversation does not end once you have "put it out there". You have to leave room for the response. And listen to it for any sign that a correction for better understanding needs to be made. Communication goes both ways, otherwise your just yelling from a soapbox at the same time everyone else is and nothing gets heard.
Listening is one of the hardest things to do EVER... We all are picking key topics and responses before the conversation even gets going, especially in an argument. Now words are weapons and we are either attacking or defending. Shields are up swords are at the ready. To listen without strategizing your comeback is almost impossible. When we are attacking filters are off, people are hurt and words are turned loose like dogs of war to savagely maim each other until one gives up or leaves. One rule of thumb for me (I learned this in my late 30's) is; never draw your sword on a loved one. Anger will fade, wait until you can speak to them without anger, walk away until you can properly approach them with a solution in mind. You can not win a war if you don't know what ground your fighting for. Yelling at someone, to my knowledge, has never brought them to understanding, they usually just yell back. Then you have two angry people who don't know what to do about it. More often than not more hurtful things have been said than what the original problem began with. Now there is more damage to repair.
Choose the appropriate filter, listen to the response, choose your reaction and filter it correctly. Any confusion can be overcome, after all it is only a lack of understanding in the first place. You can make it harder by believing its not your responsibility. It's your choice.
Royal TX
A change of perspective brings new light.
Like most people, I had little understanding of how to relate to difficult situations as an adult. This blog is my attempt to document learning how to live a more positive life than the one my parents unintentionally passed on. Of course they were loving and caring to the best of their ability. However, they were depressed and reactive. Life has a way of pulling things out of you when different people become involved. We tend to take on "Roles" of past experiences without even being aware of the shift. I could not shake the feeling that life had to be better than this. I had obviously taken a wring turn. My life seemed completely out of control and nothing resembling my idea of happy or good, with the exception of my son. At my wits end, I asked a co-worker who helped me discover the Self Improvement section of the local book store. Usually writing down titles that looked promising, then checking them out at the library. I realized if I didn't do something soon, I would be teaching my son the very same bad habits.
I started with the most important thing, an open mind and the courage to expose myself to the light of other perspectives. Thankfully, I had friends who were not afraid of telling me the truth. And the beginning was hard to hear and harder to comprehend. They told me I was creating the drama in my life. Drama? Me? I hate drama... How could this be my fault? Turns out, they were right. Of course I felt defensive and started to place blame. Ultimately, I came to understand its not who is to blame. The real question is: Who is responsible for keeping the whole thing going? Good or bad, the answer is we are. Individually and absolutely. We are in charge of our misery and/or our joy. Its all about choice.
What a novel idea, if you don't like what is happening choose something different. I picked joy. As the category self improvement implies. To improve your circumstance. Its not a easy as one might think. There are multiple things at play to create the environment you live in. So, fair warning, new rules are about to apply and letting go of bad habits in your life, which includes some people, is part of the process.
This is my self improvement trial run still in progress.. here's hoping someone else may find it helpful.
Royal TX
I started with the most important thing, an open mind and the courage to expose myself to the light of other perspectives. Thankfully, I had friends who were not afraid of telling me the truth. And the beginning was hard to hear and harder to comprehend. They told me I was creating the drama in my life. Drama? Me? I hate drama... How could this be my fault? Turns out, they were right. Of course I felt defensive and started to place blame. Ultimately, I came to understand its not who is to blame. The real question is: Who is responsible for keeping the whole thing going? Good or bad, the answer is we are. Individually and absolutely. We are in charge of our misery and/or our joy. Its all about choice.
What a novel idea, if you don't like what is happening choose something different. I picked joy. As the category self improvement implies. To improve your circumstance. Its not a easy as one might think. There are multiple things at play to create the environment you live in. So, fair warning, new rules are about to apply and letting go of bad habits in your life, which includes some people, is part of the process.
This is my self improvement trial run still in progress.. here's hoping someone else may find it helpful.
Royal TX
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